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Am I Allowed to Put Myself First?" – Why So Many Men Struggle to Talk About Their Needs

How often do you find yourself wondering, “Is it selfish if I just do what I want?”


If you’re a man, chances are you’ve been conditioned — maybe subtly, maybe blatantly — to put everyone else first. To keep it together. To be the provider, the protector, the one who’s fine.


But what happens when you’re not fine?


What if you don’t even know what you want anymore — just that you’re tired, numb, or stretched so thin that even thinking about what you need feels impossible?

This blog is for you.


Why Men Struggle to Talk About Their Needs


We don’t grow up in a vacuum. From a young age, many boys are taught to toughen up, not cry, and push through discomfort. Vulnerability becomes something to avoid — or worse, something to be ashamed of.


By the time you hit adulthood, that message might be so embedded that even identifying how you feel can feel like a foreign language.


In therapy, I’ve worked with men who say things like:


  • "I don’t know how to talk about feelings."

  • "I feel guilty taking time for myself."

  • "It’s easier to just focus on work and stay busy."

  • "No one’s ever really asked me how I am."


The truth is: struggling with emotions or unmet needs doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. And learning how to name those feelings and needs is a strength — not a flaw.


Therapy Is Not About Fixing You


If you’re worried that therapy means sitting in a chair and spilling your guts to a stranger — it’s not like that (not with me, anyway).


I’m Jonathan, a person-centred counsellor based in Lancaster. My approach is simple: I meet you exactly where you are. No pressure, no judgment, no trying to box you into a formula. Just real conversations in a space where you don’t have to pretend.


Many of the men I work with find it liberating to finally have a space where they get to be the focus. Where they’re not being asked to perform, fix, or hold everything together — just to show up.


Whether you're dealing with stress, burnout, relationship issues, low self-worth, or simply a feeling of being lost — therapy can help you get to the root of it and start feeling more like yourself again.


Common Myths Men Have About Therapy


Let’s call these out:


1. “Talking about it won’t change anything.”Actually, it often does. Naming what you’re feeling is the first step toward understanding what you need — and what needs to change.

2. “I’ll figure it out myself.”You’ve probably been doing that for years. Therapy isn’t about handing your problems to someone else — it’s about having someone walk with you while you make sense of them.

3. “I don’t want to be judged.”You won’t be. My role isn’t to judge you. It’s to support you in understanding yourself more deeply, and that includes the parts of yourself you might not always feel proud of.


So… Are You Allowed to Put Yourself First?


Yes. In fact, it might just be the most courageous thing you do.

If you’ve never had the chance to really think about your own wants, your emotional world, or what it would feel like to actually choose yourself — therapy is a good place to start.

I offer therapy in Lancaster and across the UK via virtual sessions. My clients often tell me that they appreciate having a space where they can be completely honest without fear of being misunderstood.


If you’re ready to stop holding it all in, I’d love to hear from you.


 
 
 

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